High-Falutin Name Guy Canned

Ken Riley, Florida A&M athletic director and former awesome Cincinnati Bengals cornerback, was fired yesterday.

I’m not much for college sports, but this was noteworthy because now Florida A&M’s program will be piloted by head coach Billy Joe and interim athletic director Bobby Lee. My suspicion is that Riley had far too normal a name for these Suthuners to deal with, and they wanted to get a good ol’ boy Son of the South in the AD position.

Billy Joe and Bobby Lee… man, all revenooers had best ought to steer even more clear of Tallahasse, y’all hear?

This week’s Onion

This week’s issue of the Onion is a rerun of one that came three years ago. It demonstrates a special kind of genius that they chose to re-use that “Very Special Forces Deployed to Iraq” article. Kind of demonstrates how far we’ve come or something. Here’s the original (used way back when that Clinton guy was president).

BTW, that C-130 “short plane” graphic is the funniest goddamn picture, ever.

STFU: Jennifer Lopez

So apparently Ben Affleck is the Sexiest Man Alive, 2002 edition. OK, cool, whatever. Jennifer Lopez, who is currently engaged to Affleck, contributed to the People piece (credited to Samantha Miller, who has her tongue so far up Affleck’s nether regions I’m sure there will be magazine seizures in Southern states for some sex crime or another) with this:

"I didn’t need PEOPLE magazine to tell me he’s the sexiest man alive. The difference between me and PEOPLE magazine is that he’ll still be the sexiest man alive in my eyes when he’s 100 years old."

Continue reading “STFU: Jennifer Lopez”

Awww, is the Wittle Baby Afwaid of a Wittle Bow and Awwow?

Imperial Beach, CA is not just the border between the Land of the Free and the Home of the Rolled Taco. It is the line in the sand where freedom loving Americans are standing up to the left-wing wackos who want to erode our civil liberties one lethal projectile at a time, according to this New York Times article (free registration required).

For you see, Imperial Beach is home to the last public pier in California that permits bow-fishing. Although the law limits the bowfishermen’s range to 20 ft from the pier, citizens excercising their constitutional right to impale fish on 100-pound-test monofilament moving at 300 ft per second really need to extend their range to 90 feet to get a workable angle, bringing the fisherman into conflict with selfish and whiny swimmers and surfers.

A surly bowman hunts a school of mullet.
Continue reading “Awww, is the Wittle Baby Afwaid of a Wittle Bow and Awwow?”

Item: Washed Up Child Star Married By Washed Up Rapper

Noted playboy, weirdo, and washed-up child star Corey Feldman (who, coincidentally, we just mentioned in another post) was married earlier this week on the set of his upcoming show The Surreal Life. That’s one more prime piece of beef off the market, ladies.

Feldman (1) was married by Hammer (2) as fellow cast members Neil (3), Cohn (4), and Lewis (5) presumably gathered ’round with good cheer.

Feldman and his girlfriend were married by fellow Life cast member M.C. Hammer, whose career wasteland rivals Feldman’s. (According to the synopsis at E! Online, The Surreal Life might be the strangest reality show I’ve ever heard of. Feldman and Hammer will be joined by fellow desparate former celebs Emmanuel Lewis, Vince Neil, and Mindy "Jesus, there’s a name I thought I’d never hear again" Cohn. The train wreck this crew could turn this show into makes even The Anna Nicole Smith Show pale in comparison.)

Incidentally, if you ever have the chance to listen to any of Feldman’s music, be sure to do so. I can tell you this: upon hearing it, my response was basically “yes, Corey Feldman’s music basically had to sound like this, didn’t it?”

Wil Wheaton Interview

We’ve mentioned Wil Wheaton (that kid who played Wesley Crusher in Star Trek: The Next Generation. Only he’s grown up now.) on this site before. Now there’s a really good interview of him on the Onion’s AV Club. The article spends some time talking about the usual child star stuff, but also has some interesting new stuff on Wheaton’s web following and the incredible popularity of his site’s weblog.

I don’t know dick about Star Trek, but I really like Wheaton’s writing style and sense of humor. Plus, it’s cool how forthright he is when writing about celebrity stuff. He straight-out says he doesn’t like Corey Feldman, which is pretty funny.

Human Sexuality

I have a friend at UCSD who is in a Human Sexuality class, which I find completely hilarious. I love the idea of studying for a Human Sexuality class. I mean, I pulled all-nighters to cram for Calculus and stuff, but the idea of pulling an all-nighter to cram for a Human Sexuality class doesn’t really sound like a chore at all. Same with group study, which I don’t usually like. I’m not sure what goes on in Human Sexuality classes, but I’m pretty sure it’s lots of hot chicks hanging out in lingerie, kind of like a slumber party or something. In my mind, the class breaks for a five minute pillow fight in the middle.

Adding a delightfully hilarious twist to the entire deal is that my friend completey biffed her last midterm for the class (she got a D). She brought up the excellent point, that while a human sexuality class has lots of potential for hilarity, there’s also lots of potential for disappointment if you don’t do well. It’s kind of like if you take a class in not being a jerk and you do badly on the tests – which obviously makes you a jerk. It’s kind of like that.

I told her not to feel bad and to just study harder (which is completely hilarious). And while I’ve given my friend some pointers in our electronics class, I stopped short of offering to help her study for Human Sexuality, since I don’t think Phet would be amused.

Happy Anniversary

Yesterday was Phet’s and mine sixth anniversary of official coupledom. For the morbidly curious, six years ago yesterday I deviously tricked Phet into going out with me. It was on the Monday after we went to see a swell Dave Matthews Band concert (on a Friday?) and after the Gompers Homecoming dance (Saturday?). Good times. That was totally, like, the best weekend of Phet’s life (Jeff ducks).

This site sucks.

I have been visiting this site (JesusH.com) often in the past couple of days and making fun of it for not having an update in the last four days. I mean, come on, guys: let’s get our shit together, shall we?

Then I remembered that this is my site, which made me slightly less critical.

I’ve been pretty busy lately entertaining random people and running scams for Dave and doing endless apartment cleaning (shuffling piles of crap from one end of my apartment to the other is kind of a hobby of mine.)

Dave, on the other hand, has been busy training for the Iditarod by tying his cats to heavy objects and laughing as they try to get free.

Okay, I just made that up.

“Big Al” Qaeda Urges Americans to convert to Islam

This CNN article describes a demand by an unnamed El Kada henchman, for Americans to convert to Islamism. Since today is opposite day and I’ve officially decided to give the benefit of the doubt to all filthy, murderous thugs who give me advice, I’ve decided to do so.

So three hours ago, I became an Islamic Fundamentalist.

I’m not sure how to explain this, but my first instinct as a child of Allah was to try to remove my own stinking American heart with a soup spoon, and the second was to somehow try to blow up my Christian dog apartment complex. While I was thus in the process of hoarding large amounts of flammables in my apartment, Phet got upset at me and demanded that I finish cleaning the bathroom before commencing with my religious rebirth.

I have been reflecting on my experiences as a child of God, and I think that maybe it was all some kind of ruse by the bad guys to make us blow ourselves up. Take it from me, my fellow Americans: Islamic Fundamentalism is not the answer.

Ferris Bueller star Actor Jeffrey Jones faces child sex charges

Oh my freaking God. Jeffrey Jones, who played Principal Ed Rooney in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” has been arrested for possession of kiddie porn and sex with a minor. If this still doesn’t ring a bell, check out the awesome picture in the CNN article.

This bothers me because a) people have called me “Jeffrey Jones” before when they’re trying to get my goat, so it’s kind of like I just got arrested on kiddie porn charges, and b) I liked Jeffrey Jones as Ed Rooney. I mean, sheesh, what’s next? That guy who played Namrok in Rock and Roll High School Forever getting arrested for producing Meth in his garage or Fred Asparagus, the bartender in the Three Amigos, getting deported?

Have we no heroes left?

Christina Aguilera Annoys Thailand

Christina Aguilera apparently has some Thai scraws in her latest video, “Dirrty” (so dirty it needs an extra ‘r’) which make reference to the Thai sexual tourism industry. This has offended the government of Thailand, and they’re bringing out the big guns: if she shows her face in Thailand, she’ll get caned like there’s no tomorrow.

Unfortunately for the Thai government, the way young Christina is going, she’d probably like it.

The reputedly sexy Christina Aguilera. I must be getting old; I didn’t know crossing Tammy Faye’s makeup strategies and several tubes of BronzTan® equalled ‘sexy’.

Iraq Letter Source Of Contention

From CNN: “Iraq’s letter accepting U.N. weapons inspectors, in which it stated it “will not have any mass destruction weapons,” could be grounds for military action, the White House said.””

It’s pretty funny how enthusiastic we are to bomb the Iraqis. They said that they will allow weapons inspectors but said inspectors absolutely would not find anything, and we threaten military action. It’s a good thing they didn’t say something less concrete, like “the weapons inspectors more than likely won’t find anything” or we would have already started bunker busting their asses.

Good diplomatic call, Iraq. I’ll say it again: I’ll miss these guys when they’re gone.

Elton John to get eye surgery

CNN Article. Elton John is going to get vision correcting eye surgery because he’s tired of never being able to find his glasses. The article goes on to mention the John only owns 4,000 (yes, that’s four-freaking-thousand) pairs.

I’m just glad he decided to get out the silliness of collecting glasses before he became burdened with a truly unwieldy collection. That would probably suck for him.

Straight Talk Express, Russki Style

Vladimir Putin, Russian President, recently told a reporter to “get circumcised”, according to ABC News Austrailia.

I was disappointed in this article, actually; I was hoping Putin just tossed off a curt Russian equivalent to “hey, buddy, get circumcised!” to a reporter, but apparently he rambled for about five minutes and appeared to be making some sort of tortured point in his outburst.

Still, I can’t imagine what the reaction would be if Dubya said that to Bob Woodward, or Sam Donaldson, or Brent Hopkins, or whoever is working the White House beat these days.

Live in a 727!

Have you ever wanted to live inside an elevating, freely rotating, real live Boeing 727? Well, now you can! This company is auctioning off one of their swell airplane homes on E-bay, for potentially far less than the going $295,000 price tag!

The airplanehomes website has some pretty neat information on this crackpot idea. If nothing else, it has an explanation on how they can get hook sewer, water and gas lines to a spinning house (a concept which I still can’t quite get my brain around).

I kind of shake my head when I hear of people trying to sell stuff like this. On the other hand, though, I do kind of want a spinning airplane house. I would paint it like a PSA plane…

My Father, The Hero

Some of you out there may have heard of Carter Pease, who, in addition to being the Official Dad of JesusH(TM), happens to be a semi-retired evil genius. Not only does the man own both a forge and a plasma cutter, but he has the distinction of having torn entire walls out of both of his previous two houses, one in order to build a new fireplace from scratch and the other (allegedly) unintentionally, when an air compressor exploded in the garage of our Brosnan Street house, many, many years ago.

Good times, good times.

Anyway, I could go on forever regaling you with anecdotes of why my dad is great, but instead, I wanted to share some pictures of one of his recent, and to my mind, particularly mind-boggling exploits: the man built a fridge. From scratch.

Khamphet: Mr. Pease, that fridge is… awesome.
Dad: I know.

Continue reading “My Father, The Hero”

Blah De Blah De Blah

So we made it to Friday. As glorious as that may seem in and of itself, this particular Friday evening is especially swell on a number of levels. First of all, it’s raining and generally pissy outside, which makes being inside without any forseeable reason to leave the apartment all the more awesome. Further, Phet decided to cook dinner, which left me with little more to do than to settle down in my jammies with a cup of tea and read the FHM magazine and Levenger catalog that came in today’s mail in their entirety.

Shiiiiit. If we were any more civilized, we’d be Brent. Which, I’ll grant you, is a pretty bold statement.

So in any case, in light of my newfound serenity, I thought I’d give some love to the task of properly updating JesusH tonight. To start things off, I thought I’d throw out a couple of tidbits that I’ve been mulling over for a while.
Continue reading “Blah De Blah De Blah”

JesusH Election Wrap-Up

So some of you may have heard there was an election in America a couple of days ago. We here at JesusH apologize for not having provided in-depth analysis of all this sooner (Note to Dan Rather: please stop calling us for advice on what to make of all this), but I have personally been embroiled in an equally important exploration of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.

For those who believe that voting is somehow more important the Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, I offer the following handy breakdown (clip n’ save!):

======== 8< =================================

Vice City: 6 explorable islands.
Election: 0 explorable islands.

Vice City: a multitude of drivable vehicles, including boats, helicopters and motorcycles.
Election: 0 drivable vehicles.

Vice City: several hours of authentic 80’s music and entertaining radio station programming.
Election: 0 hours of 80’s music.

======== 8< ================================

I could, of course, go on, but I fear that the integrity of our democracy might be forever diminished if the scrutiny continues.
Continue reading “JesusH Election Wrap-Up”

I live in war torn Bosnia…

or, rather, I might as well.

There has been construction on the sewer lines around my apartment for a couple of weeks now, and it has had repercussions on finding parking spaces and sundry other minor annoyances.

What is fairly unprecedented is that it is now 2:00 AM on Monday morning, and bulldozers are out in the street in front of my apartment (200 feet away) rumbling and cranking and pushing gravel around. It makes me feel somewhat more pleased with the situation when I close my eyes and imagine that the ruckus outside is actually the ocean or some such romantic, albeit noisy, thing.

I still can’t freaking sleep, but I do become somewhat more pleased.