Bush: Protecting America From Gay Peoples’ Genitals

CNN Article

So yeah, Bush is going to try to explicitly outlaw gay marriages. This move is a response to the numerous studies that have found that little kids with parents having the similar genitals turn into Satanic ritual killers. Clearly, a family’s success is based on parental genital distribution, and Bush doesn’t want any pinko funny business to threaten the sanctity of that.

For My Friend Brent

Now that we have all agreed to get along about that arduous Nigerian uranium issue, I think now is a fantastic time to collectively revisit an old friend – The Foremen’s classic ditty “Ain’t No Liberal”. I believe the story with our discovery of this song was that Dave won a CD from some website a long time ago, and it turned out to be a sort of barbershop quartet-deal that made fun of conservatives, which was coincidental because Dave was really starting to get into barbershop-quartets-making-fun-of-conservatives music at the time.

It’s the sort of thing that we usually hate, but darn-it-all, it’s just so catchy.

The Foremen – Ain’t No Liberal

Fields of Salt (and Oil)

How much did the Roman Empire actually spend to salt Carthage’s fields? According to this enjoyable read, around $150 billion.

Hell, the US can have troops in Iraq until 2007 or so and not meet that number, and we’re a far larger country in terms of real production than the Romans ever were, so even that’s an unfair comparison. I’m glad we all live in this century and country, where vengeance is comparitively cheap.

[via the muted horn]

Back To What’s Really Important

It occurred to me a couple of days ago that, holy crow, my birthday is, like, a week away (it will be big #24, so ladies, I’m still legal. rrrrRRROOOOWWRRR…). I’m pleased to report that I really can’t think of a whole lot of stuff that I want, so it looks like everybody is pretty much off the hook this year. As usual, I just want everybody to be together.

Nonetheless, if anybody wants to buy me a CD or a Segway or something because you think I’m all great, feel free to peruse my cool Amazon wishlist, recently updated for two-thousand-trey, yo.

And, hey — thanks. No, no, thank you

Bodies of Uday and Qusay “Touched Up” By US

Washington Post article via Drudge Report.

People aren’t sure whther to trust the US when we say we killed the Wonder Twins, yadda, yadda, yadda.

None if that should come as a particular surprise to anybody, but I just wanted to draw attention to my favorite line in the article:

A spokesman for the U.S.-led administration said no one had so far come forward to claim the bodies of the fugitives for burial. He said: “If any of their family members want to come forward, we’d be delighted to speak to them.”

Man, we’re dicks. That’s pretty funny.

Life As A Temp

I’m been working as a temp at Qualcomm for several weeks now. During that time there have been a number of bad things that have happened to me at the hand of my officemate Kristy, who is a bully. Kristy says I have to upload all these pictures of bad things happening to me or she will flush my head in a toilet.

She’s not kidding.

JEFFCOFFEE.jpg
During my first week, I spilled coffee on myself. Really, it’s coffee. Otherwise, how would it have gotten on my shirt? Ha, ha.
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I Got A New Shirt

We had a very eventful weekend, which involved going to the John Mayer concert, getting Radiohead tickets, Phet going to the comic-con (without me, since I have a day job), and my slaving over hot websites (without Phet, since she has better things to do). Ptthhhbbbbttt.

That said, one of the high points of my weekend involved the shirt that Phet bought me at the comic-con on Thursday (after I whined to her like a little girl that I just had to have it).

Before I explain what this all means, please take a moment to check out the shirt design. The cool thing about it is that it looks like a normal “I like robots” anime-nerd shirt, but it references one of the most obscene ideas I’ve ever seen. Really, quite lovely.
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Nitpicking on George W. Bush

George W. Bush got elected on a platform of restoring honor and integrity to the oval office. Well, that and the help of Supreme Court justices appointed by his father, but that argument’s already been had, so we’ll set it aside for now. When he was out stumping, he kept bringing up the fact that he’s just a plainspoken man who believes in telling the truth.

Well, his plainspoken words are often lies, and while he trots them out regularly, it appears he’s finally getting called on one of them.
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Creation Geeks

via The Daily Rotten

“Dear Lord, please allow the bacteria in Group A to unlock the antibiotic-resistant genes that You saw fit to give them at the time of Creation. Amen.”

I don’t know why creationists need their own science fair. Surely such groundbreaking projects as Women Were Designed For Homemaking and Rocks Can’t Evolve, Where Did They Come From Mr. Darwin? would have fared well in the Westinghouse/Intel competition?

Stupid Playstation 2

In September, Deb got me a great birthday present–a Playstation 2. I had spent the occasional odd evening hanging out at Pease Jay’s place, and we pretty much played Twisted Metal: Black to death. Other than that, though, I hadn’t gotten familiar with much PS2 material.

I’ve been in school and at work pretty much nonstop over the last year, so as it turned out I didn’t really have time to play any video games for about eight months after getting the PS2. Mine sat in the spare bedroom in its box, and later in our entertainment center, but it was probably used about five times from September 2002 to June 2003.
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Engage!

I’m not sure that JesusH is really the best place to announce this, but what the hey: last night, I asked Phet to marry me and she responded by saying yes. Today, I noticed that the sky was somehow bluer, the birds sang a little sweeter, and the workday was a little shorter. Wonder of wonders, why didn’t I do this years ago?

I waited a bit to post on this because I wanted the news to have a chance to percolate through a very small circle of close friends and relatives who would probably die of shock if they heard it here first. For everyone just hearing this for the first time, I’ve prepared a small FAQ (below) to explain what’s going on.
Continue reading “Engage!”

US Places $25 Million Bounty On Saddam Hussein

CNN Article.

General One: Gentlemen, if you please, this meeting of the Joint Chiefs will now come to order. Topping the agenda is the matter of Saddam Hussein, who continues to elude our highly trained sniper-ninja Delta forces. I’m afraid there is considerable pressure on this one from the President, and the general consensus upstairs is that the combined might of the US military has exhausted it’s usefulness. Thus, we have no choice but to exercise option Bravo.

Intern (temp): [gasp] You mean…

General One: That’s right. We’re out…. and we’re sending in “The Dog”.

General Two: [shaking head] May God have mercy on Hussein’s soul. The poor, poor bastard…

Washington to Develop More Zippy Weapons

Guardian article, via Drudge Report.

In a move designed to strike terror into the hearts of terrorists everywhere as well as make France feel even more globally impotent (Bonus!), the US has announced plans for some sort of supersonic space drone missile deal that can blow the bejeezus out of any target on Earth without our needing to ask to borrow other nations’ bases. Sweet and double sweet.

Hopefully, this move will eventually allow us to get rid of our diplomats once and for all and empower us to avoid all contact with those savage, unreasonable foreigners.