Hamsters Are For Ninny Punks

Sun Article (via Daily Rotten)

A delightful article about a German man whose menagerie of venomous pet spiders and snakes consumed him over a period of “7 days to two weeks”.

“Police broke in to Mark Voegel’s apartment to find spider Bettina along with 200 others, several snakes, a gecko lizard called Helmut and several thousand termites had gorged on his body.”
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Flowers for Gay Marriage

Gay marriage backers overwhelm S.F. florists [USAToday]

I nearly did this on Friday, when I read about the guys who came up with the idea on BoingBoing, but I held off because Flowers By The Bay was charging almost fifty bucks to deliver to a random couple, and I’m not sure I think this is important enough to drop that much coin on. But I still think it’s a really cool idea.

Good News and Bad News

As a Howard Stern radio show fan, my week started off with what I considered very good news: Stuttering John Melendez was inexplicably hired to be the announcer on The Jay Leno Show. If you don’t listen to the Stern show, you probably won’t know much about Melendez, so here’s the deal: he used to do celebrity interviews that ranged from mediocre to friggin’ hilarious, but ever since he became a more established part of the show he basically sits around, kisses Stern’s ass with full tongue, back-stabs various show members by betraying information shared with him in confidence, says stupid things, and plays AJ Benza’s punching bag. Sometimes the backstabbing is funny, but everything else is pretty lame, and I’m going to be really glad he’s gone.

But into every life a little rain must fall, and now Stern’s show has been booted off Clear Channel, which had carried it in six markets–including San Diego. Until it’s picked up by another local station, I guess I’ll be listening to 94.9 or CDs in the morning.

Thanks again, Janet Jackson, for doing your part to awaken the slumbering sense of decency in the US. I feel much safer now.

Only President Bush Can Save My Marriage

I’m not a pro at marriage — I’ve only been married for two months, so clearly I have lots to learn. Luckily, our esteemed president and his right wing cohorts are here to save not only my marriage, but everyone’s marriage. In turn, they’re going to save society. Thank goodness, the cavalry has arrived!
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Spit Contest Ends With Deadly Fall

This article comes from Shlonglor, who reminds you that stories like this can sometimes also be sort of sad.

So, yeah, it’s just another article about some guy perishing in a none-too-becoming way. I mean, we’re all adults here. It’s nothing we haven’t seen before.

That said, I was struck by a couple of quotes from the article. The first is, to me, beyond funny. Like it’s the sort of thing that’s so funny it goes beyond laughter and instead forces your brain to spasm uncontrollably in response, spontaneously generating neural connections that take you to a whole new level of understanding and respect for the world around you. This is the sort of hilaritude that makes you a better person, dammit.

Oh yeah, the line: “He was one of the smartest, most polite guys I ever met in my life,” [Armstrong] said. “I think he was one of the classiest guys. He had a maturity beyond his age.” This Armstrong guy is talking about a person who perished while trying to get a running start to gain advantage in a spitting contest. Think about that. Let it flow over you…

The second quote I found utterly flabbergasting was that Mr. Jinah (the deceased), a “representative for the Carleton Student Engineering Society” perished as a result of a fundamental lack of respect for the scientific principles he was supposed to be upholding, dammit. Don’t take it from me, take it from Ottowa police Sgt. Joe Simpson, who said “It was purely accidental. Momentum carried him beyond.” I think that the Carleton Student Engineering Society could use a few more pointed questions on its entrance questionnaire…

Here We Go Again

Ralph Nader, who probably cost Al Gore the presidency by running in 2000, is throwing in his hat in 2004.

Here’s how the “cost Gore the presidency” calculus works: if Nader weren’t running, sure, some of the complete die-hard wackjobs who voted for him wouldn’t vote for one of the other candidates, but some undoubtedly would, and if they had to pick a candidate, they’d probably have picked Al Gore over George W. Bush. As you know, depending on the state they were cast in, it wouldn’t have taken many votes to keep the Supreme Court out of the election process and put Gore in the White House.

Does that make this bad news for John Kerry? You bet your ass it does. He’s not going to lose a ton of votes, because there aren’t a ton of people out there crazy enough to vote for a paranoid borderline-Socialist crackpot like Nader, but in what could turn out to be a very close race, even that small number of votes is going to be important.

Oh, and one more observation: people who honestly think there isn’t any real difference between GWB and Kerry have got to put the pipe down before they hurt themselves.

Finally, if this post doesn’t get Brent back on jesush in some capacity, I don’t know what will.

N-Gage: An Editorial

You might be familiar with the Nokia N-Gage, a $400 Frankensteinian melange of Gameboy and cell phone, which debuted to some fanfare and remains intensely overpriced and short on software.

What I wasn’t familiar with until recently was how one used the N-Gage as a cell phone: apparently the cell phone stuff is in the top of the unit, so you have to hold it screen-and-keypad-facing-forward to make a call. (Because I love gadgets, I’d probably have sought one of these out to play with it by now, but Nokia is an evil company and I didn’t much feel like wrestling with one of those hustlin’ cell-phone hawkers to see how the thing worked).

I’m not sure the above description of talking on an N-Gage phone made the stupidity of the whole affair as obvious as a picture would, so here you go:

You too can be cool: N-Gages are available now!

This is just one of the many images people have submitted mocking the side-talking concept on sidetalkin.com, a website I found really amusing.

[via Gord’s Boring Server, which has some pretty good forums.]

Something New

I got all hot and bothered when Dave recently posted his expose on the mystical dingus. This was partly because, well, let’s face it: Dave has that effect on most of us whenever he drops his special brand of science, but in this specific case, I was also kind of interested in the luminous… data-thing… aspect. Because, as I think I may have mentioned before, I suspect that this is all kind of silly.
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Brawny Lads Website

I was doing some searches for gay porn the other day when I stumbled across a site called Brawny Lads Films, which I was drawn to for obvious reasons. I was very disappointed when I discovered that the site is just a couple guys who make little movies as a hobby and not, you know, gay porn.

As I was looking around, I started getting all inspired and thinking things like “Golly, this looks like fun!” and “I could totally make a little, retarded movie!!!” then it occurred to me that I don’t have the 5 friends required to assemble an acting troupe. Most of my activities tend to be built around my interacting with pretty much just myself (which brings us full circle back to… gay porn).

Anyway, if you you do nothing else with this post, I would encourage everybody to check out Best Friendss (the extra ‘s’ will immediately explain itself when you click the link). I found the movie to actually be pretty funny, at least until the tattooing scene, which is when I started to get kind of offended. I’m kind of curious to know how this strikes other people…

The End of Live TV As We Know It?

I’m surprised by the outrage that is continuing to result from the Super Bowl halftime show. Now we hear that this wasn’t just the most TIVOed moment ever on TV, but over 200,000 complaints have been filed with the FCC this week about the “wardrobe malfunction”. That apparently sets the new record for complaints filed for a television incident (though if I read the public correctly, we may have a new winner when people have finished appraising Hallmark Hall of Fame’s ‘The Blackwater Lightship’).

To make things even more ridiculous, some white trash bimbo has decided to sue Jackson, MTV, CBS, Coca-Cola, Bill Gates, and the Raelians for major ducats. The lawsuit stipulates Jackson’s flash resulted in “serious injury”, which I can’t wait to hear explained.

What a country!

LotR: Very Special Edition

I still haven’t seen Return of the King yet, and I probably won’t before video. Peter Jackson’s LotR movies are some of the most acclaimed and successful of our time, but I have a couple of problems with the first two. For one, the scale seems off–when a shrimp dwarf and an effete elf are running their Orcish body counts into the triple digits, I start to lose interest. Judging by the relative numbers of good and evil in most of the trilogy’s battle scenes, I just don’t buy the results. Perhaps it went the same way in the books; I read them too long ago to remember. But on the big screen, when Gandalf leads a cavalry charge of a couple hundred horsemen down a mountain into a valley filled with thousands of polearm-wielding bad guys and the bad guys don’t set their weapons and let the forces of light dash themselves to hamburger against them, that sets my bullshit detector ringing at Al-Sharpton’s-presidential-campaign levels.

But that’s small beer compared to my biggest problem–the movies are too damn long for me. A couple of months back, we popped the director’s cut of The Two Towers into the DVD player around 6:00 in the evening, and by 9:00 I was way ready for the movie to end.

I’ve complained about this more than once, and someone told me that the director’s cut DVDs should be perfect for me, because they’re each split in two halves with each half being about as long as a normal movie. That gave me an idea.
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3L33T HACK3R5 D00D

Fresh off a giant Indianan snowstorm, an “Emergency Alert” appeared on IU’s emergency web site on Sunday, January 27th.

Students visiting the Web site were greeted with the incorrect emergency alert and a plea to "call up your congressman and suggest the educational process at Indiana University be suspended on Monday."

The site also directed students to the National Weather Service and the Drudge Report Web sites "for details."

Apparently, some jackass–probably an extremely lazy student who didn’t want to go to class on Monday; I’ve met slackers of this type–got themselves unauthorized access to the school’s web server, and this is the best they could come up with?

That’s hilarious. I want to meet whoever did this. What a story to tell a few years down the road…


Gratuitously Unnecessary Device of the Month

The Ambient Orb is a frosted glass orb with a bunch of LEDs inside that can apparently glow any color of the rainbow. You plug the dingus in and it hooks up to a wireless network and changes color based on parameters you set. It’s a mood ring for the New Milennium.

Behold, the Magical Glowing Dingus.
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