For Those Familiar With Route ‘A’

I found Al Abut’s website today (yes THE Al Abut) under the most random circumstances possible. Seriously, I was looking at this page on some random blog and found Al’s name in the comments. Holy gosh.

Wait!! Before you click on his site, let’s play a little game — for those who knew him when (or, what the hell, for those who didn’t know Al back when as well), what would you guess he’s up to now? Go ahead and leave a comment if you dare…

And now, without further Abut…

It’s a smear!

So here’s a weird story about some semi-goofy pictures of John Kerry in scrubs climbing around in some NASA spaceship or something.

It’s being breathlessly called a smear that the photos ever came to light, but jeez–does the future President really look that goofy or bad in them? I mean, how dignified is anyone (you know, except a real doctor, like Trapper John) going to look in scrubs like these?

John Kerry is not George Clooney. Pity.
John Kerry, and the DNC-approved photo of the NASA event that went mistakenly unused.

I dunno… every time I read about this sort of overwrought image-mongering, I think it reflects poorly on the candidate and his organization. But that’s just me.

Fletch Episode 3: Revenge of Marvin Stanwyk

CNN reports that Robert Sorrells, who you will of course recall fondly as Marvin Stanwyk from Fletch, has been arrested for shooting two patrons in an LA neighborhood bar.

I’d like to believe that this is some sort of a frame-up, but of course that case becomes much harder to make when there is a photo of Sorrells pulling the trigger here.

Halo Fans Go Apeshit Over Honey

Slashdot reports that we are, as we are speaking, in the midst of another exciting marketing webgame, similar in vein to that which was created to promote that one Spielberg movie AI (the one where the retarded little boy robot tries to find a fairy or something… I guess I wasn’t really paying attention). In that game, a whole gaggle of thirty year olds spent endless hours (from the secluded privacy of their parents’ basements, no doubt) trying to find out the whereabouts of a fictional woman named ‘Jeanine Salla’ by following clues planted by the films marketers on a bunch of fake websites. It later turned out that super-devious Microsoft was pretty much behind the entire thing (which goes some distance towards explaining why we still haven’t seen a new version of Windows).

Now Microsoft is at it again, this time to promote their upcoming X-Box game Halo 2. The new puzzle stems from the fact that some website on bees has been taken over by some sort of virus or something, and the next generation of house-arrested marks has been meeting on this wiki to discuss strategy. On the face of it, when I hear about these things, they sound pretty cool, but then I remember that the root explanation of the site’s problems will, in the end, somehow be linked to some intricate Halo mythology that I know less than dick about. I mean, if Microsoft is going to go to all this trouble, I’d really prefer that they do it on something cool, like, say, Knight Rider or Mark Knopfler something – something with a story that you can sink your teeth into! That’d be the shit…

I wonder if I could pull off explaining away some of the bugs in the websites I make at work as being somehow linked to an intricate marketing ploy? I’m totally going to try that.

Sundry Thoughts on Sam Cooke

As a serious connoisseur of old music that nobody cares about, I’ve recently been listening to a lot of Sam Cooke. You know, Sam Cooke? “Another Saturday Night”? “Cupid”? “You Send Me”? “Chain Gang”? Sure you do! Anyway he’s really cool (he did a lot of shit with Lou Rawls — yes, the Lou Rawls!) and everyone should listen to him.

If you don’t have the slightest idea of what I’m talking about, I’ve gone ahead and uploaded a Sam Cooke song that I particularly enjoy. It’s a cover of that Gershwin’s Summertime song – that same song that one chick sang on American Idol. This version is different because there is a man singing, and also because there’s a spaced-out chick shrieking in the background. Also, it’s, as the French might say, tres badass.

Which brings me to my final point, which I found out just this evening: Sam Cooke died at 33 of questionable causes, which allegedly involved his attempted ravaging of two women in a seedy hotel and his subsequently being rebuffed by a small caliber bullet. Intrigue! I found this very skeptical site on the subject, which is a pretty enjoyable read, if you’re into that sort of thing (it’s sort of like Eddie and the Cruisers, only Eddie and the Cruisers is a movie I haven’t seen and this is a website about a dead singer).

So there you have it. Consider yourself introduced (JesusH readers – Sam Cooke’s ghost. Sam Cooke’s ghost – JesusH readers…)

MacJournal

One other tidbit I thought I’d throw out before pausing to take out the garbage out (yes, actually) is that I have recently come across a pretty sexy application called MacJournal for my sexy PowerBook. The application is basically a more retarded version of a word processor, except for it allows you to upload directly to your blog from the app itself — no more wrestling with composing in a stupid HTML textarea.

The pros of this particular application would be the spell checker, the ability to upload directly to a blog, the ability to draft an entry if you’re away from a live internet connection, and the very inexpensive price of free.

The cons are that it’s NOT FREAKING SMART ENOUGH TO UPLOAD THE ARTICLE TITLE (grrr, grrr…) and that it actually lacks some of the Javascript refinements of modern weblog editors (one button bolding f’rinstance).

There’s probably something similar on the PC, but I’ve never really bothered to spend any time looking. In any case, I like the theory behind the thing and have been using it with much happiness. I’d highly recommend checking this sort of thing out if you are a laptop user with a wireless connection…

Is This Thing On…?

So I’ve been away for a couple of months. Of course, when I say “away”, I don’t mean away like literally away (not AWAY away), but more like… say, sufficiently indisposed to the point where working on a blog seemed… you know, kind of… decadent or something. I mean, look at Susan B. Anthony: If she had been working on her blog all the time, she probably wouldn’t have had time to write the National Anthem or find the cure for cholera or invent cross-stitching or do whatever it was she did that was great, right? RIGHT? Exactly. The moral of this story is is that sometimes you have to take a little “me” time and forsake your blog in order to get shit done. Like my gal Susie.

Mostly I’ve been spending my time away in retreat a rustic lodge in the scenic Ozarks, chopping wood and whittling and otherwise asserting my dominance over the area’s lush, protected, forest reserves. It has been very restful. I mean, some other stuff happened too, but, in the final analysis, that Ozark thing is probably most worth mentioning. I also got married, but I’m pretty sure nobody wants to hear about that.

To further commemorate the fact that I am no longer in the Ozarks, the JesusH Action Committee (myself and 5 or 6 of my closest imaginary friends) thought it might be a good idea to fiddle with the site some to update it for the modern age — you know… to spruce it up a bit. The result is that the new site a.) is green, b.) takes nearly 7 seconds to load because I haven’t bothered to optimize the header drawing code, c.) works similarly in all modern browsers, d.) lacks several features we’ve all come to enjoy, like the convenient “recent comments” section, e.) runs on sexy, sexy WordPress instead of MovableType and f.) probably has a kajillion links that no longer work. As Layne Staley probably once said: “Progress is a bitch”. In any case, I’d imagine that the wrinkles on this site will slowly work themselves out in the next couple of weeks, so please bear with us.

In the meantime, please take a moment to gather your thoughts on this version of the site and leave a comment if there’s anything you particularly like or particularly dislike. I know that I will take all suggestions super seriously and I’m sure that Dave probably will as well.

Thank you, and God Bless.

Gandhi, Mandela, Stewart…

Martha Stewart, after receiving the minimum sentence of 5 months in prison gave a stirring speech on the courthouse steps.

Today is a shameful day. It’s shameful for me, and for my family, and for my beloved company, and for all of its employees and partners. What was a small personal matter

Yes, I prefer to think of my criminal activities as a personal matter as well.

-“Sir, do you know how fast you were driving.”
-“Kind of a personal question, don’t you think, officer?”

became over the last two years an almost fatal circus event of unprecedented proportions.

An almost FATAL CIRCUS EVENT of UNPRECEDENTED PROPORTIONS!!!!!!!

It really helps if you say it out loud.

I have been choked and almost suffocated to death during that time,

Would they have to have stopped calling the company “Martha Stewart Living”? It’s like a koan. My brain hurts.

all the while more concerned about the well-being of others than for myself, more hurt for them and for their losses than for my own, more worried for their futures than the future of Martha Stewart the person.

Could we maybe waive that “canonization has to wait until after death” requirement just this one time? Maybe if we’re lucky, she’ll suffocate and we can do her right after Princess Di.

[deleted some stuff about her poor employees and the 170,000 e-mails she got supporting her]

Perhaps all of you out there can continue to show your support by subscribing to our magazine, by buying our products, by encouraging our advertisers to come back in full-force to our magazines.

For less than the price of a cup of coffee per day, you can adopt a M.S.L.O. employee.

Our magazines are great. They deserve your support, and whatever happened to me personally shouldn’t have any effect whatsoever on the great company Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia. And I don’t want to use this as a sales pitch for my company, but we love that company, we’ve worked so hard on that company, and we really think it merits great attention from the American public.

I’m a prisoner, Irwin! A prisoner of my desire to slash prices!

Blah blah blah.

I’m paraphrasing that last bit. Hurry back, Martha! We’ll miss you!

Waiting with my hands poised at my buckle…

Via Drudge:

A man freed his genitals at airport security, apparently out of frustration with the screening process. What really caught my attention was this quote from airport police:

“This person exposed themself in a public area, a clear violation of the law, and we needed to take some action on that, otherwise everybody would be dropping their pants.”

Ain’t that the truth? I, for one, will be eagerly awaiting the outcome of this case to find out whether I’ve got the green light to expose myself in public, or if it still remains too risky.

Three Things

  1. First and foremost, I’ve gotten word that at least a couple of our readers have noticed that this place has virtually ground to a halt lately. Yes, JesusH has been quiet, as Jeff’s been off getting hitched, and I’ve been in on those festivities (as well as some other ones which would probably make a great post or three).

    The good news is all that stuff is done, and the better news is that unless there’s a complete loss of momentum on Jeff’s part, there are big changes in store around here. Stay tuned.

  2. Nearly simultaneously, Andres and I both got tired of Internet Explorer and decided to switch to a mozilla-based web browser. Now, in the bad old days of the web, IE and Netscape rendered pages very differently, to the point that most of the code in many corporate pages was a bunch of scripting garbage to detect browser type and serve a bunch of different formatting code around the content depending on what was found, just to make things look close to the same.

    The good news is that these problems have been largely resolved–for instance, BP and E2Ei look very similar in the latest version of both browsers. In fact, the only page that’s completely broken that I normally visit is JesusH.

    So if you’ve decided to use an alternate browser product, we should support you more fully very soon (see #1 for more details).

  3. Have you ever read something that you really, really wished that you had written yourself once you finished? I just did.

Have a hell of a weekend.