Andrea Yates’s Hubbie Calls It Quits

CNN reports that Russell Yates has filed for divorce from Andrea Yates, who was convicted for drowning all 5 of their children in their bathtub in 2001.

Frankly, I find it astonishing that the two were still married. When I heard about this case, I guess I just sort of assumed that a divorce would be immediately forthcoming – even part of the standard suite of paperwork provided by the court. I mean, when your wife is a convicted child murderer serving life in prison, that pretty much seems like a relationship that isn’t really going anywhere at that point.

My favorite quote: “Salinsky [Russell Yates attorney] deferred questions about the reasons for the divorce”. This only leaves us to speculate. Maybe irreconcilable differences?

The Great JesusH Short Story Festival

My lovely bride has come up with a swell idea to ring in the lovely month of August: the first ever JesusH Short Story Festival!!!!11!!1 This is perfect for JesusH, because it is designed to occupy our rambunctious contributors for several days straight, which is time that they would more than likely otherwise spend exposing themselves in public, defacing schools and parks (not that I’m naming names, *koff*brent*koff*), or generally being degenerate. Yup, for the first time ever, we’ve decided to give something back.

So here’s how this works: anybody who wants to participate writes a short story, which will be due in three weeks (that’d be Sunday, Aug 22, 11:59:59 PM). After the due date, submitted stories will be published on JesusH without author names attached, one every couple of days until all have been exhausted. After this time, there will be some sort of vote and the winner will receive some sort of major award (I mean, we know what it is, but we just don’t want to tell you yet — if the general public catches on that the prize is as fabulous as it is, there might be rioting…).

Further submission requirements are as follows:

  • Any JesusH reader can participate. This includes Chris Irwin and Al Abut.
  • Stories can be any length, in any style, and can be about anything. Go nuts.
  • Stories will not be edited prior to publication, so you’re on your own for spelling and grammar and shiatt.
  • Stories must contain all the following elements to be eligible for the fabulous prize (the following elements have been generously provided by Ma and Pa Pease, so you know that they’re solid):
    1. A red leather jacket.
    2. An envelope containing $453.00.
    3. This line: “Excuse me, sir, but I’ve lost my glasses. Is this the train to Denver?”
    4. A wrinkled photograph of Grandma Moses.
    5. An abandoned motorcycle near the Columbia River in Astoria, Oregon.
  • Submissions should be sent to jeff[at]peasecodesign[dot]com by the submission date.

Now I know everybody is very busy, but I think you’ll agree it’s worth the trouble because, a) come on, the stupid thing could be any length, you lazy sack, and b) you make yourself eligible for the fabulous prize!!!1!1!

The Great JesusH Short Story Festival: What could be more great?

Dept. Of Homeland Security: “Hold On To Your Asses”

Our department of Homeland Security has just raised the terror index of America’s luscious financial centers from Yellow (“we’re totally in for it”) to Orange (“holy living fuck”). Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge urged Americans to go about their business, to remain vigilant, and above all, to “avoid looking directly at the scalding mushroom death-cloud”.

ridge

The press conference ended abruptly as Ridge’s facial appliance flipped open, revealing his robotic endoskeleton. The department had no further comment on this occurance.